United Beat City..the story of the Manchester Derby

This article titled “Manchester United v Manchester City – as it happened” was written by Scott Murray, for guardian.co.uk on Saturday 12th February 2011 11.31 UTC

So, the big, burning Mancunian question at the moment is, what on earth is Coronation Street’s Peter Barlow going to do to Leanne when they retake their wedding vows? He’s found out she’s been having an affair with Nick Tilsley, 63, and is planning some sort of terrible revenge. Followed by a session on the booze, I’ll be bound. Anyway, that’s all happening on Monday, so in the meantime, this brouhaha will have to do.

The team news: How much did Dimitar Berbatov and Edin Dzeko cost between them? Anyway, they’re both on the bench. Nigel de Jong is missing with ankle knack, so James Milner starts as City look to cut United’s five-point advantage at the top of the table.

Manchester United: Van der Sar, O’Shea, Smalling, Vidic, Evra, Fletcher, Scholes, Anderson, Nani, Rooney, Giggs.
Subs: Lindegaard, Brown, Owen, Berbatov, Hernandez, Carrick, Rafael Da Silva.

Manchester City: Hart, Richards, Kompany, Lescott, Zabaleta, Milner, Barry, Toure Yaya, Kolarov, Silva, Tevez.
Subs: Given, Wright-Phillips, Dzeko, Boateng, Vieira, Jo, Toure.

Suffering from the wrath of Fergie, win, lose or draw: Andre Marriner (W Midlands)

The teams take the pitch, United running out to their fantastic new anthem, performed by Richie, who previously sang ‘Manchester United Number One’. The new track is something to do with a Red Army, it says here. This must be it:

Richie’s quite far back in the mix, isn’t he? Come on, sing along: “Take me home, United Road…”

And we’re off! United kick off, towards what used to be the Wonderfuel Gas Stretford End. Within ten seconds, Zabaleta concedes a corner down the right, Nani making a real nuisance of himself.

44 seconds: The ball’s pumped past the far post. Evra clips it back into the centre for Hart to claim. A pacy start by the home side.

3 min: After that opening flurry from United, this has settled down super-quickly. City stroke it around the back awhile, settling themselves down. A real atmosphere in Old Trafford. “Granada were from the North and had stories from the North, so long as you define the North as anywhere with a Manchester postcode,” moans Gary Naylor, professional scouser, the Tarby de nos jours.

4 min: City should be one up. Toure rolls the ball inside to Tevez, on the edge of the area, from the right wing. The striker clips an immediate pass straight down the inside-right channel for Silva, who is clear in the area but facing a tight angle. Even so, he’s only got Van der Sar to beat, and pokes his effort straight across the face of goal and just wide of the left-hand post. What an opportunity. You could hear the mass intake of breath as Silva was sprung free, and the subsequent release of tension.

7 min: United push forward in response to that City chance, Evra causing no end of bother down the left with incessant harrying. At one point he gets to the byline, but his attempt to slide the ball into the six-yard area is smothered by Hart. A really lively open start. “I think my TV must be on the blink,” writes Bill Chilton. “I could swear pre-match Sky pundit Dwight Yorke was wearing a grey suit, white shirt and grey tie. Dwight, Dwight, Dwight, where are the designer abominations and crimes against tailoring we’ve come to expect?” That’s nothing: the next time Jamie Redknapp’s on screen, you won’t be able to make out the relief map of his testicles.

10 min: O’Shea goes on a run down the right, offering himself for a pass. Nani thinks “bugger that”, cuts inside and hammers a shot goalwards. It’s a real belter, only just clearing the bar. A fine effort.

13 min: City really have to win this if they’re to stay in the title race. And to be fair to a team often accused of unnecessary negativity, they’re going for it this morning. Winning a free kick down the left, level with the edge of the area, Kolarov swings a ball to the far post, where Toure gets a header in. His effort sails back across the face of goal and wide left. That’s the second decent chance City have had already.

16 min: City are quicker to everything at the moment. Kompany leaps on a loose pass in midfield and powers forward. Silva slides a pass down the inside-right channel for Toure, who hammers a cross into the six-yard area. Smalling is forced to chest clear for a corner. The set piece is a nonsense and a half, but City are having a lot of joy down this right wing. Three times now they’ve torn United apart down that channel to create a lot of space.

19 min: Belgian enforcer Kompany is booked for stamping on Rooney’s toe, then flipping him into the air in the manner of a tossed waffle. Do you toss waffles? I assume you cook them like pancakes, that’s all.

21 min: After being on the back foot for the best part of ten minutes, United find their feet again. They spray around a series of lovely passes, but the move ends with Fletcher making the worst pass in the history of All Football, hitting the top of the stand running down the left-hand side of the pitch from tight on the right touchline. Dear me.

23 min: Not for the first time in the match, Evra finds a bit of space down the left. He feeds Giggs, who is dispossessed neatly in the area by Kompany. “Gary Naylor isn’t the Tarby de nos jours (3 min),” insists Mac Millings. “He’s more like one of Harry Enfield’s Scousers – bubble perm, self-parodic accent and likely fictional.” And not as funny as he used to be?

24 min: Tevez is getting booed whenever he touches the ball, much as you’d expect, but to be honest it’s all a bit pantomime, a bit half-arsed. There’s more opprobrium when Vidic sprays a terrible ball out of play wide on the left. United aren’t playing particularly badly, but they’ve not got it together yet.

26 min: The referee has a quiet word with Rooney, who has been leaping into 50-50 challenges with both feet in the air, studs occasionally showing. Not sure what’s got his goat, because I don’t think it’s got anything to do with the earlier Kompany challenge, which was more mistimed than anything else. He’s not been seeing much of the ball, maybe that’s it.

29 min: Nani whips a ball through the City box from the right, but there’s nobody on hand to prod home. That was begging to be converted. Down the other end, Silva, Kolarov and Zabaleta ping little triangles down the right, nearly opening United up; Van der Sar is out to snaffle the ball and put a stop to their gallop. “Silva’s like a little dominatrix out there,” reports Linda Howard. “He keeps forcing all of his teammates out into space to meet the ball like a good little tiki-taker and dictating EVERYTHING. It seems the Man City men have finally figured it out and fallen in line, strapped themselves in if you will. A pleasure to watch.” Nothing like a bit of MBM fantasy bongo at the weekend, for those of you reading on the laptop in bed.

33 min: Giggs swings a deep cross in from the left. Fletcher hares in from the right and meets the ball on the right-hand corner of the six-yard box with his noggin. It’s a powerful effort, but straight at Hart, who claims easily. “Surely after the Keys/Gray fallout the last thing Sky would do is remove Jaimie Redknapp’s tight trousers (so to speak)?” wonders Ryan Dunne. “Despite the presence of the ‘old-fashioned’ Soccerettes, Sky at least shows cognisance of the girl/LGBTQ market by having their best-looking *male* presenter wear clothing that displays, in John Belushi’s famous phrase, ‘every part of Christmas’. Wouldn’t be surprised if Graeme Sounness raises some fond memories for gay football fans of a certain age too.” This report is taking a fair old saucy turn. I can’t concentrate any more.

36 min: Nani sashays in from the left and sends a deflected shot goalwards. Hart swallows the ball. United appear to have stemmed the City tide, such as it was, and are getting on top now. “No, of course you don’t flip waffles,” blasts Bill Gillespie of Toronto. “Both sides cook at the same time in a closed griddle. When done to perfection, smother in Canadian maple syrup and enjoy.”

39 min: City have a shout for a penalty as Silva blasts a shot from the right-hand side of the United area straight at Evra. All they get is a corner, which is wasted.

41 min: GOAL!!! Manchester United 1-0 Manchester City. This came out of nothing, and was simple, simple, simple. A long kick from the keeper, straight down the middle. Rooney flicks on with his head. Giggs pings it further forward with a first-time pass. Zabaleta should clear, but doesn’t, allowing Nani to make a determined run and power clear on goal before slotting calmly into the bottom-right corner.

42 min: Milner makes a scissor challenge on Rooney. To continue comparing challenges on the striker to the preparation of sweet Canadian/Belgian breakfasts, it’s like Milner’s trapped his leg in a waffle griddle. Milner sees yellow, the nearest we’ll get to a drizzle of maple syrup in this laboured analogy.

44 min: Anderson goes down under a clumsy challenge from Barry as he goes for a ball in the City area. United scream for a penalty, but no dice.

HALF TIME: Manchester United 1-0 Manchester City. And that’s it for the half, the teams walking off to Glory, Glory Man United, pumped out over the PA so you can’t hear the crowd respond to what they’ve seen. Great work, Old Trafford Record Player Operative, great work.

Half-time entertainment: A spot of light relief, some Mancunian comedy (not featuring Steve Coogan or Bernard Manning).

“Two ales!”

And we’re off again! Fergie walks out for the second half, fist pumping away as he meanders up the touchline. Any need for it? City start the ball rolling again; this is a crucial half for them. “Is Nick Tilsley the son of Gail and Brian?” asks Ian Copestake. “Last time I watched the show his voice had not broken and he looked like Justin Bieber.” Yes he is, Ian. Though now, after a very dubious recast, he sounds like Barry White and makes Bieber look like Walter Matthau.

47 min: Tevez bustles down the right. He cuts the ball back for Silva, whose low cross is directed towards nobody whatsoever. “To continue your S&M theme,” begins Justin Kavanagh, “City have been tickling the United defence with feathers, but United look more like cracking the whip at the other end. Time for Mancini to unleash his dominatrix Dzeko? In a studded black leather snood perhaps?”

48 min: Rooney is sent clear into the City half with the ball at his feet, but he’s mistimed his run and is flagged offside. City were sleeping there, and are very fortunate to get away with it. “Surely Gary Naylor is the Stuart N Hardy de nos jours?” asks Ben Stanley. “Anyone who read computer magazines in the late 80s/early 90s will be nodding furiously right now.” It was only a matter of time before one of you started a Zzap 64 riff, or whatever this is. I’m just surprised it’s taken the best part of ten years.

49 min: Yaya Toure tears into the box down the inside-right channel. He should either shoot or cross but hesitates and allows Vidic to distract him, falling over as the ball runs out of play. “Guilty!” admits Gary Naylor. “Like Manchester City, I’m not as funny as I used to be. Unlike Manchester City, I wish I were.”

52 min: City make the first change of the match. Shaun Wright-Philips comes on for Kolarov. “Belgian gaufres (waffles) are best enjoyed with whipped cream,” writes Chris in Toronto, “but linking whipped cream and Jamie R’s crown jewels in the same thread is not just inelegant, but a severe test of one’s gag reflex.”

54 min: It’s not really started, this half. United will be happy enough with the way things are going, because City don’t have anything about them whatsoever at the moment. “I’m lost,” cries Ian Copestake. “Is Stuart N Hardy near Chorlton?” Local geography pun of the day.

56 min: Scholes and Van der Sar put United under unnecessary pressure, the keeper unable to control a bouncing bomb of a back pass. Corner. Followed by another corner. From the second, the ball’s worked to Silva on the edge of the area. He drops a shoulder and shifts the ball left, United’s defence kindly opening up for him. Silva has a huge target to shoot at, but lumps the ball straight at Van der Sar, who is extremely grateful to clear up.

58 min: To the right of goal in the City box, Rooney has a chance to shoot. He’s stopped, though, by a simply outstanding tackle by Kompany, who would have been off if he’d got that wrong. That’s fantastic defending. And it’s fantastic defending followed up by utter rubbish, as Kompany passes the ball straight to Nani on the edge of the area. Nani drags his shot wide right, much to the defender’s relief.

60 min: Milner, who has been limping around for the last couple of minutes, is replaced by Dzeko. “There are various grades of maple syrup, and each has a distinctive use and flavour,” explains Mister Justin. “The darkest as almost brown in hue and are well suited for glazing hams, while the lightest are a pale amber and are perfect for waffles. Pro-tip: light maple syrup is perfect to pour on breakfast sausage and streaky Bacon. Don’t let it touch the eggs though.”

61 min: City are nearly caught out straight down the middle again, a long Van der Sar hoof bouncing between Kompany and Lescott and only just ahead of the lurking Rooney. Hart claims, then stands around looking concerned.

63 min: United were spinning around like teenagers full of Special Brew there, as Tevez played a clever one-two with Silva on the edge of the United box and breaks free down the inside-left channel. He’s pushed out to the left so can’t shoot, but hammers a low cross into the six-yard box. It somehow evades two onrushing City players, Silva and Dzeko, but the ball breaks off a confused United shirt and sits up on the penalty spot. Unluckily for City, there’s nobody there to shoot and eventually a United player regains his composure to clear.

65 min: GOAL!!! Manchester United 1-1 Manchester City. A strange one, this. Wright-Philips skidaddles down the right. He crosses low for Dzeko on the penalty spot. The striker aims for the right-hand side of the net, but the ball breaks off the back of Silva and into the bottom-left corner with Van der Sar rooted to the spot.

66 min: Scholes is booked for hauling down Richards down the City right, 30 yards from goal. Before the free kick can be taken, Berbatov replaces Anderson.

67 min: City are suddenly – understandably – up for this again now. The free kick’s swung into the United box, Tevez heading goalwards from a central position, six yards out. Van der Sar makes an outstanding point-blank save, though it matters not either way, as the striker was offside.

68 min: In the words of Manchester comic Danny Boon from Billy Liar, it’s all happening! Nani suddenly finds himself in acres down the right, and whacks in a delicious low cross. Hart is able to snaffle easily, with no United striker chancing their arm in the centre.

71 min: Tevez shapes to shoot on the edge of the United box, but has the ball taken off his toe by Wright-Philips! He nearly salvages the farcical situation by releasing Dzeko down the right, but Vidic is over quickly to clear. “Why do teams continue to set themselves up so defensively against Utd (and yes I am fuming)?” fumes Paul Ewart. “They lost to the bottom team in the prem last week. This is not a great team and they don’t like it up ‘em. Kolarov’s a left back isn’t he? Playing in front of a left back. The mind boggles. If they win the league this season it will because a) they’ve a winning mentality honed over a number of years and simply don’t know when they’re beat and b) because other teams and managers are either cowed, stupid or both.”

74 min: Another last-gasp challenge by Vidic saves United. Richards, Tevez and Wright-Philips combine down the right, Richards breaking into the area. It looks like real danger for United, but the defender wins a power battle and the chance is snuffed out.

75 min: From the centre circle, Nani embarks on a baroque ramble towards the City area. It’s a majestic dribble, only slightly spoilt by the denouement, a wild blast over the bar from the left-hand edge of the D. Superb stuff.

78 min: OH MY WORD, THIS IS SUCH A SENSATIONAL GOAL. Manchester United 2-1 Manchester City. This is the goal of the season, making Dimitar Berbatov’s overhead kick against Liverpool look like a shinned scuff from two inches. Nani swings a ball into the area from the right. Twelve yards out, level with the left-hand post, with his back to goal, Rooney skelps an overhead kick into the top right-hand corner of the net. Hart may as well be watching the game at home. That was majestic.

80 min: Dzeko blasts high and wide from a promising position down the inside right. City look stunned. On the touchline, Roberto Mancini’s jaw is hanging low, oscillating gently in the breeze. “Watching Silva shooting, I see why Iniesta starts for Spain,” writes Gene Salorio. “Smalling looks good, as a City fan where’s Johny Evans when we need him?”

81 min: Incidentally, Carrick has come on for Scholes.

83 min: Old Trafford is bouncing. “This intriguing and somewhat enjoyable Manchester derby is being thoroughly ruined for me by Martin Tyler’s continued insistence on referring to Alex Ferguson as Alec,” writes John Dalby. “They are two different names right? Why does he do it? Fergie is an Alex, as in Ms Party and not an Alec as in Gilroy. Is at an allusion to a palliness Martin (or is that Morten?) shares with Alex that allows him the special privilege of referring to him in a different manner than the rest of humanity? I wish it would stop.”

84 min: Tevez cuts inside from the left and tries to open United up with a one-two on the edge of the area with Silva, but City’s passes aren’t sticking any more. That screamer from Rooney was a real thump in the solar plexus for the away side. They look totally spent.

86 min: All of a sudden, it’s an end-to-end extravaganza! Coming in from the right, Wright-Philips has a shot deflected over for a corner, from which Zabaleta has a fierce shot from the edge of the area charged down. United stream up the other end, and are this close to putting Smalling, of all people, clean through.

88 min: Giggs is booked for pulling back Tevez down the right. This’ll be a free kick for City, 35 yards from goal. They load the box.

89 min: Under a high ball, Kompany and Van der Sar challenge on the line. The referee blows for a free kick on the keeper. That wouldn’t have happened in the 1958 FA Cup final.

90 min: There will be four added minutes of this. “Here in Glasgow it’s very common to use ‘Alec’ for ‘Alex’,” explains Ryan Dunne. “It’s often a sign of affection, although obviously I’m sure that, as with the rest of the media, a neutral professional like Tyler wouldn’t allow any personal friendship with Sur Alex to colour his commentary.”

90 min +1: United are pinning City back in their own half.

90 min +2: Lescott challenges Smalling under a long ball on the edge of the United box. He needlessly gives away a free kick, allowing United to eat up more of the clock.

90 min +3: Every time Rooney scores at Old Trafford in the league, we’re being told on Sky, Manchester United win the game. City have got 60 seconds left to nix that stat for good.

FULL TIME: Manchester United 2-1 Manchester City. But they can’t do it. Zabaleta has a half-chance to shoot from the edge of the area, but he miscontrols and allows the solid Smalling to block the ball. And that’s it. Fergie flies down from his dugout high-fiving. City look pretty upset, pretty much out of the title race now as they are. And after playing pretty well to boot, but you can’t do anything about a goal like Rooney’s. A pivotal day in the title race. Now, then, Peter and Lianne…

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