Liverpool drew 0-0 with Sparta Prague in the first leg of their Europa League tie, while it was 1-1 between Rangers and Sporting…
Latest odds…
To Qualify
Liverpool 1/4
Sparta Prague 11/4
Rangers 11/4
Sp. Lisbon 1/4
Preamble:
It’s been an out-of-this-world type of week for English clubs in Europe and after the memorable exploits of Spurs and Arsenal it falls to Liverpool to play the role of Michael Collins – not the revolutionary leader nor the Welsh rugby lump but rather the poor sod who accompanied Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin in Apollo 11 but had to stay behind in that fearful contraption while the other two got to prance around the moon and into the glitziest chapter of human history. As if to sabotage this space metaphor Kenny Dalglish has omitted most of Liverpool’s stars but he has at least given substitute places to some reputedly promising youngsters who are orbiting the first team, namely Conor Coady, Daniel Pacheco and that eternal hot prospect, Joe Cole. No sign of Brahim Sterling, alas. He mustn’t have finished his homework on time.
Teams:
Sparta: Blazek; Kusnir, Repka, Brabec, Pamic; Abena, Matejovsky, Vacek, Keric; Kweuke, Kadlec
Subs: Zitka, Podany, Sionko, Bondoa, Zeman, Husek, Pekhart
Liverpool: Reina; Johnson, Carragher, Kygiakos, Wilson; Aurelio, Maxi, Lucas, Meierles; Kuyt, Ngog
Subs: Gulasci, Cole, Pachecho, Jovanovic, Kelly, Coady, Skrtel
Ref: F Meyer (Germany)
7:55pm: Some wonder why Liverpool have been bothering to take this competition seriously. Here are three reasons:
1) The Europa League, while obviously not being as mighty as the Champions League, is a fun competition
2) This is their only chance for a trophy this season.
3) The final is in Dublin, the Prague of the North. OK, of the North-west. OK, of Ireland. OK, of Leinster. Look, it’s a decent town, alright? Where are you from anyway, and what’s so good about there?
7:58pm: “There’s something odd and decidedly surreal about Five’s coverage of tonight’s game, as if my TV is picking up signals from an alternate dimension,” barks Rob Marriott. “With no access to clips from anything other than the Uefa Cup games they covered in the autumn, Jim, Stan and Pat are reduced to discussing and lauding the merits of David Ngog, Paul Konchesky and Roy Hodgson. We’ve even been treated to a discussion of how effective Konchesky’s defending is. Yes, that’s Nottingham Forest’s Paul Konchesky.” Interestingly, you too are living in the past, Rob: it’s not the Uefa Cup any more, haven’t you heard?
A message from Deluded, Liverpool: “It’s not our only chance for a trophy,” wails Jonah Gadsby. “We could still do the Prem this year. And besides, the Mancs have never won this trophy.”
1 min: Liverpool, clad in white and black in memory of the famous Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder song, set the game in motion.
3 min: Hmmn. Early signs are that Liverpool are not, in fact, playing with three central defenders. Johnson is at right-back, Wilson at left and Carragher and Kygiakos in the middle. Aurelio is in midfield and Kuyt is panting alongside Ngog up front. Liverpool have dominated possession. Textbook sting-taking-out action so far.
5 min: A touch for Sparta! But just as the crowd start to squeal with excitement Kadlec is called back for offside. “You want to know what’s so great about where I’m from?” howls Andrew Dean. “I’m from Atlanta, GA – the birthplace of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. … and, according to the magazine The Advocate, the gayest city in the US.”
7 min: Sparta’s captain, by the way, is indeed the former West Ham liability Tomas Repka. I mention that because there has been nothing else worth mentioning so far.
8 min: Kweuke gets a sight of goal from 20 yards … but you wouldn’t know that from his subsequent shot, which misses the target by about 17 yards.
10 min: Ngog is caught offside. Yawn. “Re: Deluded of Liverpool: ‘We could still do the Prem’ is just the misplaced keystrokes of a deluded LFC fan dreaming of those halcyon days when ‘we could still do the PERM,” snorts Robi Polgar. “Think vintage Souness: http://bit.ly/hiN2tN.”
12 min: Repka goofs to give Aurelio a shooting opportunity just outside the Sparta box. The Brazilian instead elects to pass to Ngog, who demonstrates the folly of that decision by miscontrolling the ball and allowing himself to be dispossessed. .
14 min: Liverpool are clearly the better team here but have not yet created any true openings. Ngog has just won a corner but Meiereles’ delivery fails to clear the first defender.
16 min: A frisson of joy among the home crowd as Sparta venture down the right end of the pitch and force a corner, which ultimately leads to a long shot flying far wide. “That’s a new policy for the IMF to be hosting a European Final,” quacks Justin Kavanagh regarding Dublin’s staging of this season’s Europa League showpiece. “At least it’s something to entertain all those lonely accountants as they pore over the books of the greyest city in Europe, I suppose.” Careful now, you too will be grey some day.
18 min: After an authoritative start Liverpool have been ruffled over the last couple of minutes, as Abena has just prised apart their defence with a cute ball to Pamic, who fired it across the face of goal. There was no one there to finish the move.
21 min: We are experiencing a lull. Which is Five’s gantry-dwellers cue to discuss the fact that Sparta have only just emerged from hibernation. “Whether you’re a supporter of winter breaks or not, three months is an awful long time to go without playing,” opines their commentator, prompting expert analyst Graham Taylor to explain: “it’s got to be something to do with the winters they have here.”
24 min: This is one long lull. “After the stirring Spurs and Arsenal games this week, this game so far has been like eating a three course meal consisting of oysters, filet mignon and arse-flavoured ice cream,” barfs Nick Pettigrew. “And I say that as a Liverpool fan.”
26 min: Meiereles wins the ball in midfield and sprays it wide to Kuyt, who just sprays it wide. “What is the point of playing the gormless Ngog instead of Pacheco (too bad Sterling got back from school late) other than to demonstrate the folly of giving Rafael Benitez charge of the transfer kitty?” groans Lou Roper. But Ngog has done well in this competition, has he not?
28 min: Liverpool’s early control is receding and Sparat are gaining in strength. Abena is pulling the strings in midfield and Kusnir is causing Aurelio and Wilson problems down the right. Repka, meanwhile, has just hit double figures for fouls, I think.
31 min: Sparta are on top now but openings are rare. “I bumped into Repka last week at Prague Airort – literally,” shudders Jan Krcmar. “I did not see him and bumped into him when he and the rest of the Sparta team were coming back from a game in Russia. He just stared at me for a very long second. Scariest moment of my life … who of the Liverpool team would win a fight against Repka?” I reckon Kuyt would pull off the perfect rope-a-dope team, his famous work ethic allowing him to endure a severe pummeling before Repka, exhausted, dropped his guard and copped a sucker punch.
33 min: Kusnir charges down the right and fires in a decent cross. Reina can only get one hand to it but is reprieved when Pamic scoops his shot over from 10 yards. Meanwhile, Joseph Duffey leaps to the defence of Ngog. “Re: Lou Roper and the ‘gormless N’Gog’. he’s only 21; he only cost about 1.5m; and considering that prior to January he was flung in the deep end as Liverpools secnd striker, I think he’s done pretty well.”
35 min: Liverpool survive their biggest scare after Kusnir sowed havoc in their defence with a run from the right. The ball broke to Matejovsky, whose dangerous shot from 16 yards was blocked by Kyrgiakos
36 min: The rate at which Liverpool have faded in this game has driven Dalglish to make an early substitution: Aurelio off, Cole on. Now, then, is our chance to see how good this reputedly scorching prospect is …
38 min: Say what you like about Ngog but he doesn’t lack courage. After being barged off the ball by Repka, he shoved back and to regain possession – the Czech then held on to him and, after the ball trundled out of play, gave an intimidating shoulder to the young Frenchman, who lashed out to show he won’t be pushed around. The ref books both players.
40 min: Nothing much doing on the pitch. In other news, Alistair Reece, a long-time resident of Prague, has got in touch to claim that Repka is Czech for rape-seed. Can anyone confirm that? And hands up who knows any other amusing/intriguing translations of football names? Kyrgiakos, I believe means “hoooooof” in Greek, right?
42 min: Kusnir has plenty of time to size up a cross from the right and does so. Then he delivers towards Kweuke at the near post, but Kyrgiakos sticks in a leg to clear the danger.
44 min: Meiereles floats a good corner into the mixer. Ngog soars well at to meet it at the penalty spot and send a downward header into the six-yard box. Kuyt tries to divert it goalward but misses, and the ball bounces wide.
Half-time: Things can only get better. Or – yikes! – stay the same. They certainly can’t get any worse. “I’d argue that although LFC winning the Premier Peague is a delusion, there’s far more to play for than the Europa League this season,” blusters Joe Temple, who’s so wise that many buildings have been named after him. “We have a chance to knock Chelsea out of the Champions League for next year, and show a certain Spaniard whose name ghosts my kit that there is romance in football after all.” Ah, the Michael Owen Experience.
What’s in a name? “Repka does indeed mean ‘rape-seed’,” confirms Rob. “Another scary name on Liverpool’s bench. Skrtel means “strangled”….well, if you change the e to an i.”
But is this the most inappropriate name for a football in these crazy times? ” Gianni Zuiverloon of West Bromwich Albion would literally translate in Dutch as Gianni Honest Wage,” informs Machiel Akkerman.
“If you think Sparta Prague v Liverpool is poor entertainment, you’re watching the wrong TV channel,” bawls Tore Kristiansen. “Switch to GolTV (in a purely licensed, properly-paid manner of course) and enjoy the commentary – the level of enthusiasm is such that if there’s a proper shot on goal anytime, I’m afraid the commentator will have a seizure. And the R’s! It’s RRRaul Meireles, Maxi RRRRRodrigues and Jamie CaRRRRRRRagher. His palate must positively ache tomorrow. I’m praying Daglish brings on MaRRRtin SkRRRRRRRRtel.”
46 min: Only 45 minutes of this bilge to go. On another note, Jan Kracmar, whose name, if you put in the appropriate diacritic marks (Křcmář) means ‘pub owner’, has got back in touch to speak thusly: “Heskey (hezký) means ‘pretty’.” So now you know.
48 min: Johnson gets up a gallop and makes good yardage before Liverpool lose momentum. John Whalley, meanwhile, reckons you should all check out this Repka action from a couple of years ago – fast-forward to the one minute mark for more entertainment than we’ve got from this match so far.
50 min: Nope, this isn’t getting any better. “Apparently ‘Dalglish’ means a ‘dweller at the brook field,” squawks Michael O’Connor. “Or perhaps man stuck in a ditch’?”
53 min: Kyrgiakos launches a long ball forward. Kuyt does well to take it down, then lays it back to Johnson, who wriggles his way to the by-line and then sticks in a decent cross. Blazek comes to claim, thereby not living up to his name. Because according Alistair Reece, Blazek means ‘fool’ in Czech.
56 min: Go on, guess.
58 min: Johnson raids down the right again and delivers another inviting cross. No one took up the invitation. Johnson is becoming a more significant attacking force in this game. Yes, even more than Kuyt and Ngog.
61 min: Good cross from Vacek. Reasonable header from Kweuke. Wide. Neither keeper has yet had to make a save.
63 min: if Roy Hodgson presided over a performance like this he’d be sacked. Oh hold on, that is why he was sacked. “I’m struggling to believe that this is the same sport as the one I watched last night,” grumbles Richard Miles. “If Repka wasn’t there I’d suggest settling this with some sort of gladiatorial battle rather than carry on, but his presence means there would only be one outcome.”
65 min: Keric skedaddles into the Liverpool box. Kyrgiakos guides him back out again.
66 min: Judging by his negligible contribution in this game so far I’d say young Joe Cole has a lot of growing up to do before he can be considered for first-team action again.
67 min: Tricky play by Ngog down the right, followed by a decent ball inside to Maxi, who can’t get on the end of it.
68 min: Boooooooooooos from the crowd after a ridiculously overhit pass from Keric. Surprised there’s anyone still awake in the stadium.
70 min: Johnson, overlapping on the right, takes the ball down well and drives into the box. He then attempts to poke the ball into the far corner with his right foot. Wide.
71 min: The budding Joe Cole curls in a corner. Abenna heads clear and suddenly Sparta have a good counter-attacking opportunity. Kweuke makes a horlicks of it. I hate to agree with the Sparta fans but I support their chants of ‘my chceme gol’,” announces our new Czech teacher, Jac Krcmar. “It means ‘we want a goal’” A shot on target would be a good start.
73 min: Sparta substitution: Keric off, Sionko on. The 34-year-old will surely pep things up a bit.
75 min: A spectacle at last! Sparta fans have detonated a series of flares, resulting in thick plumes of smoke all over the pitch. We can no longer see anything. Hurrah! “Surely Dani Pacheco would offer more exciting play than Maxi,” fumes Ryan Daniels. “I’m not exactly sure what his purpose is. Pacheco created plenty cutting in off the left flank in the under 19 European championship. Please Kenny, I’m losing brain cells watching this.”
77 min: A shot! On target! After Lucas failed to clear a Sparta corner at the near post, Kweuke controlled the ball nicely and swivelled quickly to fire off a decent effort. Reina, despite the smoke, kept his eye on it and saved competently. “Joe Cole with his step over trick, it’s all he ever seems to do,” wheezes Ian Burch. “It’s the footballing equivalent of Stanley Unwin talking gibberish and Jack Douglas carrying a bottle on a tray in a Carry On film. At least Norman Collier could imitate a chicken as well as talk into a faulty mic.”
79 min: I’m going to have to ask Glenn Hoddle what I did to deserve being assigned this match.
80 min: Cole booked for tripping Abena in midfield. “Brabec means ‘sparrow’ in Czech,” blurts Jan Krcmar. “But that’s boring so here’s something amusing.”
81 min: Sparta are the only team threatening here. Liverpool are stale and stodgy. But they’re on course for a 0-0, which is presumably why Dalglish has not made more substitutions. Kadlec has just whacked a shot over the bar from 25 yards.
83 min: A-ha, Dalglish is making a substitution. Ngog is coming off to be replaced by … Skrtel. Holy cowpat.
84 min: Joe Cole can’t even take a corner properly. He curled it out of play and then back in. The ref wasn’t fooled.
85 min: Vaeck has a pop from distance and it’s a good one … Reina dives full-length across his goal and is grateful to see it fly inches wide.
87 min: Liverpool are just stroking the ball around the back now, settling for the 0-0. This is not the stuff their European renown was made of.
89 min: God-fearers tell me that the lord sends plagues and typhoons to test our faith. Is Dalglish doing something similar to Liverpool fans here? Skrtel for Ngog, for god’s sake!
90 min: The cruel fourth official insists there will be three more minutes of this pain.
90+2 min: Sparta substitution: Pekhart on, some lucky soul off.
Full-time: I’m off for a stiff drink. Make that 12.
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